honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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