I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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