My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
