I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
