Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
