I bet he comes in French.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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