I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
