Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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