We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
