It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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