come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
