If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
