They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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