i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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