My room smells like vodka and shame
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What a dumb baby whore.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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