I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
