and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
