is your mom at the bar?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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