imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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