I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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