Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
