Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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