it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
