Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
