enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
