I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
