he wants to bone in the snuggie
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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