If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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