hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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