Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
