tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize