dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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