If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
