I accidentally had phone sex last night
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize