I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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