It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize