I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My liver just broke up with me...
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
