Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
