I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
