Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
