New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
