I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
