life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
