"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i drank out of a bidet.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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