True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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