your parents love me but you hate me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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