i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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