I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
