I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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