$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
