i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want nice things and good sex
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
