When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
