I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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