i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
