He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So much rum. So many feels.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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