So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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