Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
