I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
