Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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