I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
