dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize