Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
