Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
