Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
