so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
