I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
