There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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