if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
