This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
