Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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