And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
