I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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