One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
