so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
